I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT