Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
You Might Also Like
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.