Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.