My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.