wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky