Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
yea so i messed up lol
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
(2022)