We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My kitchen overserved me.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Extremely relatable.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no