Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.