*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Dead sexy!!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
This kid will have a bright future.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
🤣could you imagine