Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony