One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.