#DesignFail
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Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
How to make infinite energy.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong