if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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New Tinder profile.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”