My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not