My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You Might Also Like
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.