Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
OMG 🤣🤣
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!