Art by Pastelkatto
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My birthstone is kidney
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.