-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!