I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
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Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
#Caturday
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Children of the corn 🌽
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind