If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice