Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…