me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.