I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.