*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga