If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My wife gives the best headache.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m crying im so happy for them
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
This is a whole mood;
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.