Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
What flavor cupcake are these
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?