“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
You Might Also Like
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”