I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
this is the news I live for
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion