Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene