Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You Might Also Like
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”