I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir