Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
✌🏽
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.