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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
my fav colour is also hitler
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.