Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Am I having a stroke?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
this FaceApp is creepy af
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur