DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
New Tinder profile.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”