Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.