I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.