looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past