6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.