7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
i love modern commerce
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice