[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.