My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
when someone compliments me
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year