“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Shortcut
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My birthstone is kidney
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”