Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
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her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
is nasa ok
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
bugs when you lift up a rock
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.