I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
#NeverForget
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”