I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
worst…sale…ever
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!