For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Important reminders
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.