me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.