Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*