If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Interior design 👌
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan